So, when my therapist asked me to write about what a relationship means to me and what potential fall out is there with relationships post COVID I was initially met with thoughts like, “Is this a trick question?” or “Do I have enough storage space on WordPress for a such a deep and elaborate essay?”. This quickly gave way to one final thought, “what a perfect entry for my one starving blog that I pay little attention to so that everyone can know my darkest and deepest relationship secrets.
I guess before I can talk about what relationships mean to me today it would be good to give an overview of where I came from. Going back to high school and early college I would have to say I subscribed to the Hallmark ideal of love. Being swept off my feet as well as sweeping others off their feet. Big on intensity, often mistaking lust for love given one’s raging hormones, and expecting to get married. While the picket fence may have been in the picture I can’t say the 2.5 kids were, even back then. At least I have some consistency. In my mid 20’s to about 30 my ideology morphed into the concept that humans are not meant to be monogamous. That did not mix well when moving in with my then girlfriend despite knowing deep down it was not the right time for me. My early 30s saw a most unsuccessful attempt at being in a relationship with a partner who had children (again, against my better judgement) all the way to abandoning my human non-monogamy theory and eloping. Lasting just over 2 years I then found myself divorced and in the most unhealthy, codependent, purely sexually based relationship ever. I’m not going to say we didn’t have fun. At the same time, there was no way things would work out successfully. To boot, I completely lost myself in that relationship. It was not healthy for me at all. After a self imposed year of being single I then found myself basically in a relationship with the female version of my father. No, she did not look like and overweight mailman with 5 O’clock shadow, but emotionally and when it came to disputes and arguments, it was very similar to how my dad and I interacted in my youth. The silver lining here was this was probably the first time I made a good decision. While ending a relationship is never “good” per se, it was the right thing to do. For the first time I was able to recognize major red flags and make an informed decision for the better. Finally that brings us to my last relationship. A four plus year relationship with a person I genuinely loved, adored, and finally felt like a person who got me. We were on the same page on very important aspects of life; We did not want children, we were both non-traditional in nature with marriage not in our sights, we respected and appreciated each other’s independence. “Arguments” were constructive, not a bastion of insults and yelling. Despite her leaving me at a time I was most vulnerable and never getting closure from her, there is a part of me that will always love her.
Looking back I can see that my version of courting and maintaining a relationship was flawed and unhealthy. Specifically…
I had a tendency to essentially steal women out of other relationships. In no less than three relationships I stole them from their partners at the time. I do not say this with any pride or bragging. Some of it was the impetuousness of youth, some was conceit and blatantly feeling I was far superior than their partner. While I have let go of the guilt, I can’t condone this either.
I had a tendency to let my partners talk me into situations I knew were not right for me. Whether it was moving in with my one girlfriend or trying to be in a relationship with a person who had children, despite knowing it was not the right situation for me, I would allow myself to be talked into continuing. Usually this was because despite knowing it was not right I still wanted to try and make it work or did not want to deal with the fallout of saying “no”.
I had a savior complex. Many of these past relationships had some sort of savior ideology behind them. Whether I was saving them from the wrong boyfriend/partner, saving them from their past, or saving them from an emotional or mental health issue. Unbeknownst to me at the time there was a part of me trying to be the hero. An aspect I fully recognize in hindsight with some help.
Finally, I had the tendency to shit where I ate. For those of you not familiar with this parlance, a lot of my relationships were with people I met at work. I felt that it was the best way for me to meet someone on equal footing to myself. Perhaps this is not as egregious as my previous points but it does have its own issues, especially when relationships end.
On the flip side, I can definitely see a pattern of improvement, most notably in my last two relationships. I learned to recognize red flags far better (thought not perfectly). I learned to strive for an equal partner with balance between us without losing myself in a relationship. Long gone are the days of feeling that I need to be the savior, wanting to steal someone out of relationship, or allow myself to be talked into a situation. I still haven’t quite cracked the shitting where I eat part of things but, you know, baby steps. There has most certainly been positive growth, learning, and moving in the right direction thanks to periods of self reflection and therapy.
So what does a relationship mean to me now? Some of that answer is similar to what my relationship meant to me with my last partner. A healthy relationship is between two people who appreciate and respect each others independence. In addition to that, however, is that independence does not come with sacrificing support when one partner is in need. Regardless of how much partners respect each other’s independence, relationships are constantly in flux. There will be times one needs to temporarily give up a little independence to support or be supported. One major thing my last partner got wrong is she was afraid that supporting me in my time of need meant giving up her independence. She never realized she was never giving up total independence and conversely failed to understand that I was actually giving up some independence in needing support from someone else. On that notion of being in flux, I can further appreciate how fluid relationships are, how much of a spectrum there is. This occurs in multiple dimensions. I understand the fluidity of relationships when it comes to heterosexuality, bisexuality, and homosexuality. While I would not consider myself gay, I can understand the love two men or women have and I can at times feel the emotional love two men can have. It’s not my thing, but I get it. Furthermore that spectrum exists across one’s life. For example, I can understand how a person can be gay or lesbian in their youth, polyamorous in their mid life, and monogamous as they get older. Life indeed gets too binary in many aspects including love and relationships. It’s a bit odd I guess for me to say this as what I see as a relationship for me would most definitely be binary. Yet so many people spend so much time trying to compress love into a tiny box of limited dimensions instead of letting love just be. Obviously there are exceptions to this when it comes to children, animals, non-consent, and rape. A relationship means balance or at least trying to maintain a balance again understanding at times the scale will tip. That’s life, it’s not static and neither are relationships, there will always be ups and downs. A relationship is knowing at times the two of you may not be able to fix something that goes awry and be open to seeking help. A relationship is being on the same page when it comes to important life issues such as marriage and children. You can’t force a square peg in a round hole and expect it to work. I realize that since I don’t want children that creates difficulty in meeting someone. However, I know it will not work out otherwise.
So what is the possible fallout in pursuing a relationship post COVID? The main one to me is jumping into things too quick. If there are many like me who have been seeking a relationship for the past two years, there is risk of just jumping right into the first relationship that comes along and with that likely tripping over the same rocks one did in their past. It’s important to be cognizant of red flags and things that just don’t fit with you and what you want in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t jump right into a friends with benefits, purely sexual relationship provided that is what you and your partner want. However that’s not going to work if you want something long term. It’s going to be important to stay true to yourself and what one wants from a relationship. I think another issue post COVID may be a rise in STIs and unplanned pregnancies. After spending a year keeping socially distant, avoiding close contact, and primarily thinking about the risk of COVID, I can foresee many throwing caution to the wind with new sexual relationships, not taking the proper precautions, and not having the proper conversations creating a risk of more sexually transmitted infections and possible pregnancies. I can tell you after COVID and 2 years without sex, I could easily fall into that quagmire if I don’t keep my wits about me. At the risk of sounding repetitive, it’s all the more important to remain true to oneself and cognizant of one’s situation.
I don’t know if this truly answers the question posed to me. This has turned more into writing via free association and, well, here you go. Honestly, after this past year, while I want to be in a relationship again, I would be just has happy with some good conversation with others who might be a potential partner instead of sending message after message to online dating profiles that never answer and for all I know may not even be a real person. It’s not my idea of a relationship but it would be an acceptable short term alternative.
The Warped Mind of Ken Szwak 